Article #3
There's a rather funny story behind this article. A girl who lives kind of close to me and whom rode the same school bus as I asked me to write a paper about her. So me being the ass I am, I decided to make it a total rip apart of her and not include any real opinion what-so-ever. Enjoy...
How Much Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count the Ways
By Jason D. Zastrow Esquire
One more anal felatio and I swear to god you're going to seriously drive me up a wall. You are the kind of person who makes me proud of my botched rectal exam and my innie penis. You are the kind of person who would smoke pet dander just to see if it would give you a buzz. You are the kind of person who finds it funny when I joke about my uncontrollable crotch acne, if you only knew the pain! You are the kind of person who could make Blue Blocker sun glasses popular again.
You are the kind of person who takes pity on those afflicted with colon problems yet you hide your colostamy bag in shame. I'm not even going to go into detail about your animal necrophelia fetish. You are the kind of person who would sniff a cat's ass just to compare its dietary tract health with your own. You are the kind of person who would not have sex with me even if I paid you. OH SHIT that was supposed to be taken out. I'll have the editor's balls on a totem pole for that one.
You are the kind of person who would sodomize a goat just to spite your next door neighbor. You are the kind of person who would willingly allow an alien to anally probe you. I guess I forgot the punch line for that one. You are the kind of person who would have your rectal warts removed and then feed your tape worm a little more. You are the kind of person who would master the art of anal molestation then share your talents with the rest of the world.
You are the kind of person who would wound a helpless baby animal then feast on its ever so slowly dying body over a period of two to three weeks. You are the kind of person who would buy urine filters but never drink your filtered urine in times of great hardship. You are the kind of person who will laugh for hours and hours, I know it's just a cover up for your flatulence, I KNOW! You are the kind of person who follows the elephants at parades yet when I pooh on the street you seem to have a problem.
You are the kind of person who would commit adultery with a pig if need be. You are the kind of person who would never be able to use even the largest feasible anal sex condom ever made. You are the kind of person who would shit pure gold yet be too embarrassed to spend any of it. You are the kind of person who would eat an entire jar of wheat germ just to be rid of your diarrhea for just one day.
This is, in my opinion, one of the stupidest things I've ever written but you made me do it. So my advice to you is this: read this with an open mind and a good sense of humor even if you don't think it's funny. In closing, I'd just like to say you asked for it, you knock kneed, pigeon toed boy crazy hermaphrodite.
The End
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