Article #5

Crotch Protection
By Jason D. Zastrow Esquire
Just recently I have been experiencing a bit of a problem. I shouldn't call it a problem; it's more or less a catastrophe. You see, lately I have been hit in the groin more frequently than men ever were on America's Funniest Home Videos. I'm not talking about the occasional stepping on the business end of a rake. No, this is much more serious. Various foreign objects have suddenly fallen out of nowhere and hit my junk. A car hit me just last week. The doctor told me I was lucky. The only damage done was a shattered left testicle. I took all of these circumstances into perspective and I decided to aid my poor battered best friends. I went to every store in town and picked up their finest athletic supporter. Seeing as there has to be a conspiracy surrounding my package I was not going to settle for second best. After I had accumulated some 18 supporters I had to find out which would provide adequate protection. As a sort of product quality test I got out my trusty pellet gun and went to work. In subsequent fashion, using the pellet gun, I put each althetic sippotter (Beavis and Butt-Head reference) to the test. A few shredded similar to my colon the time I ate 5 pounds of pure animal suet. Hey, I won the $10 fair and square. So much for that, back to the matter at hand. Yet others stood up nicely but had irrepairable structural damage and were no good for the long haul. Alas, one nut cup took 25 full strength shots from the pellet gun and left me with no visible scarring. From that day forward I have been able to rest easy about my testicular well being. Now I am also greatly awaiting having children some day. I just hope my vagina will be able to handle the strain. This is a great triumph for me and I hope you are as happy for me as the hermaphrodite with the bum leg who lives in my sphincter is.